The Break Up Episode

I swear I didn’t wanna do this, but chile I am pressed and my therapist is booked up, so here we are.

There’s a scene at the end of Men In Black 2, where Will Smith closes the locker on the smaller world but then there’s a zoom out that shows his world as a smaller world existing within a larger world. That scene has always fascinated me because a part of me really thinks we exist in this world that exists within a larger world. The biggest example of this is the fact that there are constantly events happening that have everything and nothing to do with us in different places. For example, as I type this there is ongoing genocide happening in Sudan and Palestine, the Epstein Files are exposing the rich, terrible and powerful people in this country and the world is quickly approaching water bankruptcy. All this to say, I am acutely aware how in shambles the world is right now…

Meanwhile, I have been stuck ruminating on a break up that I desperately wish I could take back. I didn’t wanna do this, but I gotta talk about this breakup because girl I am so pressed and my therapist is booked up, so here we are. Let me try to start at the beginning.

Last April, I met this person Abe (they/them) at an open mic that my writer’s group hosted in the park, and I later found out a nonprofit they were a founding member of helped sponsor the event. I was the MC at the event and they signed up to do a stand up set. I was firstly intrigued by the fact they were a comedian and by their perceived bashfulness when they signed up. They performed their 5 minute set and they were absolutely hilarious. Later that day, they stopped my child from running into the street when I couldn’t get there fast enough and I swear that was a panty dropper. LMAO. Nothing major happened that day, but I remembered the impression they left on me. I just went back to our DM’s and was momentarily wrecked because apparently, we exchanged Insta’s the day we met, because they sent me this super helpful educational video for my son. I was homeschooling my baby at the time, so we must have chatted about that to prompt them so thoughtfully sending me this video. I do remember passively noting that they were performing at our local improv theater…always meaning to check them out but just not getting to it. I saw them a couple more times throughout the year because we have some dear mutual friends, but Abe and I may have just said a hi and bye each time. Until…

Then came November, we saw each other at another park event and for some reason I was like smitten by them. As Abe walked toward me, my child, and one of our mutual friends, I mentally scrambled for the right compliment because it would be weird to compliment them on their very being (right?). Finally, I settled on something and spat out, “I like your headwrap,” in a very nervous tone that felt so cringey I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Here I am, 31 years old feeling like all of 14 trying to say hi to my crush. Their response seemed completely unaware of my own nerves. Abe touched their headwrap, thanked me and we all moved on. On that day, we briefly walked alone and I was again, an awkward teenager…and later while a small group of us chatted, they educated me on some of the impacts of imperialism on folks in other countries, while I swooned, impressed by both their knowledge and their utterly cool way of conveying information. The following week, I attended their improv show where they slayed and I was so excited to support them. After the show, our group of friends went to a bar and I finally saw a glorious glimpse of the Abe in their fullness…intelligent, quirky, hilarious, opinionated, queer as fuck and proud as hell. On that night, we laughed so hard, we danced, we spoke to a stuffed deer head and we talked about some of our deceased queer icons. I was also enthralled to learn that we were both HBCU grads (me SSU, them FAMU). Overall, we seemed to really click. It felt like magic. I didn’t want the night to end, but I had to get back to my child. After leaving the group that night, I sent them a message on Insta and I alluded to wanting to go on a date with them, but baby they did not pick up what I was putting down. LMFAO. But alas, I was not deterred, I simply needed to regroup and try again. About a week or so after the magic night, I hit up one of our mutual friends and asked for Abe’s proper pronouns and if it was clear for me to shoot my shot. My home girl promptly informed me that Abe uses they/them and said “My nigga shoot the FUCK outta that shot!” And so it was…

Over the course of about 6 weeks, I fell hard and fast for Abe, this truly divine Trinidadian-American who set my soul on fire with compassion, consideration, kindness and intelligence. In the days leading up to our first date, we were swept up in conversation about books we enjoyed. Which led to an ongoing discussion of the Legendborn series that I was finishing up reading. I was excited because Abe had finished all three books and I was almost done with the third. As I drove to the first location of our fucking phenomenal three-part first date, I sent them a voice note about the crazy plot twist at the end of Oathbound. What was supposed to be us doing trivia turned into a 2 hour long conversation about so many topics from that book series to the gentrification of the area we were perusing. The nerd in me leapt into another dimension from the joy I felt that night.

What gets me the most about this break up is I have nothing bad to say about Abe, in my eyes they are perfect in every way imaginable. In all my years of dating, I can count on one hand how many times I dated someone who actually liked me as I presented myself to be. I can’t even say that I ever dated someone who shared my interests without seeking to compete with me on the validity of my interest or the level at which I was interested. Abe taught me so many new things without condescension but with just the desire to share and exchange information with me. They listened to understand and I didn’t have to ask them to do that… they simply did. When we went out, I didn’t have to be worried about who was going to pay because most times we both paid, not to impress each other but because we equally wanted to make sure the other person had a nice time. They were clear with me about their boundaries, in turn, I was clear with them. Anytime I told them a thing I needed, they did not haggle me, complaining that my needs were too much…if it was something they could do they simply did it or we had a conversation about why it couldn’t happen. Abe is deified in my mind not just for what they were willing to do, but who they are as a person. We ended things essentially because we have different needs, and even though that makes me sad, I know it’ll be okay. They blessed me by sharing pieces of what makes them who they are and truthfully, I still want to know more. Hopefully, one day I get the chance to.

At the beginning of this month I was swooning and giddy with hearts in my eyes. As the month comes to a close, I’m glad I got my own taste of romance…Black love, if you will, because now I have proof that it’s still possible for me. The love that I desire and deserve is still already mine, even if it’s not in the way I expected it to be. I’m grateful for my friends who lift me up always and for my baby who loves me as only a little Black boy could.

Black History Month still feelin’ like me.